When I entered my 30s I was not the amazingly successful, seriously hot, I’ve-got-my-shit-together woman that I thought I would be. I was still reeling from my divorce. My husband had told me one night that he didn’t want to be my husband anymore and that he wasn’t sure he had ever loved me. I was struggling with my feelings of failure as a mom to my 9 and 6 year old children. I felt stuck in Utah. I was fighting off the urges to relapse into bulimia, feeling ugly and out of control. I was doubting my faith and torturing myself about it. After ten years of playing a little office politics, a fair amount of ass kissing, a lot of courage, and much heart and hard work I hadn’t come close to achieving my career goals. I was stuck in a world that I had created and that I hated. I lived with an intense focus on pleasing everyone around me and found that I failed at every turn. I was surviving my life as the woman I thought everyone wanted me to be, and was nothing like the woman I wanted to be.
Then, an amazing thing happened. I gave myself permission to live my life for me! Permission is a powerful thing and as I allowed myself to focus on the things I wanted and the woman I wanted to be I was empowered. When I was willing to be vulnerable, willing to be honest with myself and others, and willing to embrace myself as a beautiful, loving, passionate, powerful woman my life changed. I began to live my life on purpose instead of just going through the motions. It didn’t happen overnight but it happened and things began to change.
I met a man that told me I was beautiful. Other than blood relatives no man had ever told me I was beautiful before. He told me and I believed him. And four years later, when he finally pulled his head out of his ass, he asked me to marry him and I said yes.
I’m now the mother of four children and though I rarely, okay sometimes, okay often, feel like a failure as a mom I recognize that I am doing the best I can for them. I’m being the best mom I know how to be. I’m
acknowledging that sometimes (maybe lots of times) I get it wrong. I’m willing to learn more along the way and try something new. I’m showing my sons and daughters that being honest with yourself, true to your passions, and loving the hell out of life and self is the best way to live.
With a home, a husband, a house full of kids and a business to run I have never felt more out of control. And I’ve learned to love it, most days. Sure, occasionally I might want to smoke a clove, or throw things at the walls, or have a cocktail (or three) but what American woman doesn’t? Okay, some of you might not. I weigh more now than I ever have in my life, including at 9 months pregnant. I want to change the number on the scale but it’s because I want to be a healthier me not a thinner one. I can be out of control and I can carry an extra 30 pounds and I don’t feel like I need a finger down my throat to make either one better.
I’ve achieved what was my twenty-year-old self’s career goal. Now, I’m looking for what’s next. Is it bigger and better? Maybe. I know that what was a dream is now an accomplishment and I’m ready for the next one. I’m ready for the next challenge, the next success, the next calling to fulfill the next dream that becomes a reality. I don’t know exactly what that is. At any given time I have 17 different things that I want to be when I grow up and 233 dreams. At times like this I really want Frankie Avalon to come and sing me a song about what I should do next (If you don’t get the Grease reference I don’t think we can be friends). He hasn’t though, and neither has anyone else for that matter. So…for the time being I’ll follow my heart wherever it takes me day by day.
So far in my 30s I’ve learned that I can be what you want me to be or I can be what I want me to be. I’ve learned that I can be safe and boring or bold and beautiful. I’ve learned that I can survive my life each day that my heart beats or that I can live my life by following my heart each day.
I choose to be me. I choose to be beautiful, loving, passionate and powerful. I choose to live.
Elizabeth is all things woman: from bitch to goddess, daughter to mother, lazy over-sleeper to driven business owner, and everything in between. She is an empowerment coach, massage therapist, essential oil enthusiast, deal fanatic, copy-crafter, and blogger. She is currently seeking an audience for her ramblings, a new job for her husband, and the box of Hostess cupcakes that she hid in a “safe place”.